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febreeze linen sky. my favorite scent.
My psychiatrist died. I'm really sad about it. Even the people who are seemingly not as important in your life still sting your heart like crazy when they pass. I found out last week and I've been extra sad ever since. I still haven't cried yet, I think I need to. Sometimes a good long ugly cry can fix heavy heartedness. It wont fix the grief, but it can help, even if just a little.
I miss having friends. Talking to people and having people to listen was so fun. Nowadays it seems like its just me and myself a lot. Which can be fun, but it's not healthy for me to be alone with my own thoughts for too long. I get paranoid, and eventually lose my ability to reason properly. My brainfog gets worse, and I get delirious. I hallucinate things and sounds and touches. Sometimes I dream about people I miss and I get sad when I wake up because I can't have that.
I'm about holdin' on, but worse off. My burnout gets worse with each week. Being in public spaces that I've been fine in all my life is now the hardest task in the world and I dread it deeply. I was gonna talk to my psychiatrist about my worsening mental health but, well you see how that's not gonna work now.
My papa quit his job. I'm happy for him. Sure, it means money is tight but his morals wouldn't allow him to stay in a corrupt place and I respect that. Material things(mostly food) are my favorite temporary dopamine rush, it's the only thing I look forward to. I'm gonna have that less now, but I think I'll be okay. I wanna support him and I'll try my best to.
I keep gettin bad family news as the days go on. It's disheartening. But I'm also glad when I do know. I'm not the only one suffering. That's comforting in a way.
I love cooking. I've learned it helps me cope with grief. It distracts me, which isn't the best coping mechanism in the long term, but it's better than looming. I cooked a lot last week. I made rice today, it was good.
I don't think anyone reads my entries anymore but if they do I hope they enjoy my mundane little updates. Imagining someone's reading keeps me sane. I'll try and go cry my grief away. Love me. <3
I miss having friends. Talking to people and having people to listen was so fun. Nowadays it seems like its just me and myself a lot. Which can be fun, but it's not healthy for me to be alone with my own thoughts for too long. I get paranoid, and eventually lose my ability to reason properly. My brainfog gets worse, and I get delirious. I hallucinate things and sounds and touches. Sometimes I dream about people I miss and I get sad when I wake up because I can't have that.
I'm about holdin' on, but worse off. My burnout gets worse with each week. Being in public spaces that I've been fine in all my life is now the hardest task in the world and I dread it deeply. I was gonna talk to my psychiatrist about my worsening mental health but, well you see how that's not gonna work now.
My papa quit his job. I'm happy for him. Sure, it means money is tight but his morals wouldn't allow him to stay in a corrupt place and I respect that. Material things(mostly food) are my favorite temporary dopamine rush, it's the only thing I look forward to. I'm gonna have that less now, but I think I'll be okay. I wanna support him and I'll try my best to.
I keep gettin bad family news as the days go on. It's disheartening. But I'm also glad when I do know. I'm not the only one suffering. That's comforting in a way.
I love cooking. I've learned it helps me cope with grief. It distracts me, which isn't the best coping mechanism in the long term, but it's better than looming. I cooked a lot last week. I made rice today, it was good.
I don't think anyone reads my entries anymore but if they do I hope they enjoy my mundane little updates. Imagining someone's reading keeps me sane. I'll try and go cry my grief away. Love me. <3
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And I know I had no rights to speak out about experiences you and your fellow folk have experienced. And you probably dont even want to be in contact with me again after all that crap and that radio silence crap I did a while back.
Truth is, I just wanted to check on you. I know how hard it is for you and like I wish I could help but since we're so far apart (and I'm sadly most likely not gonna be able to visit America for irl reasons) the best thing I could say is I wish you so much strength to overcome it all. The best thing you can do is outlive and outslay your enemies and do it for yourself, at least. Or for your inner child. Maybe she would want the best for you too.
Again I'm so sorry for cutting you off, I really just hope despite our misunderstandings and the things we dont see eye to eye to, especially our beliefs, wont make us enemies. I loved you so much as a friend and I hope you understand that, even though we dont get along all the time. I just wished you didnt speak so harshly of me considering, even if we speak the same language, we both grew up and were raised differently, so obv we would clash in some beliefs, customs, cultures and whatnot.
To think of it, ironically enough I dont even like my own people. So I shouldnt be putting words in your mouth either, that would make me a hypocrite. Am I racist then...? (mostly the guys here, i dont trust the guys here enough) like... a lot of the guys at my place dont really.. well, a lot of them are pretty sexist and misogynist and homophobic and have very, VERY bad hygiene. Like stuff like that messes you up.
I cant believe it took me so LONG, so frickin long to see what you mean. I mean yes, it is a very petty and pet-peevey example, but I hope you get my message. The experiences we get shape who we are and how we perceive things. And it's okay to be a bit defensive. I should've been more sympathetic to you. I've researched and I've learned through mom and dad the stuff your peers experienced with, the you know whos. And I'm so sorry for being so assuming. The thing is, cops here in my place are very different from your place. And I shouldnt have assumed all cops are the same, and I shouldnbt have thought the world was literal or black and white like how the cartoons and tv shows portray them as (frickin propaganda i tell you). And now with the political situations and the hurt and hate around the world, I swear it's like my eyes were opened and in a bad and good way.
Again, I'm sincerely sorry for what I did. And for everything.
I just want us to get along again if ever... you're one of the greatest things that happened to my life. I miss us talking and laughing over silly things and listening to reversed music. And heck, I still read the fiction you wrote and I'm so glad you delivered.
I miss you kiwu 💜
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