mome <3

My psychiatrist died. I'm really sad about it. Even the people who are seemingly not as important in your life still sting your heart like crazy when they pass. I found out last week and I've been extra sad ever since. I still haven't cried yet, I think I need to. Sometimes a good long ugly cry can fix heavy heartedness. It wont fix the grief, but it can help, even if just a little.





I miss having friends. Talking to people and having people to listen was so fun. Nowadays it seems like its just me and myself a lot. Which can be fun, but it's not healthy for me to be alone with my own thoughts for too long. I get paranoid, and eventually lose my ability to reason properly. My brainfog gets worse, and I get delirious. I hallucinate things and sounds and touches. Sometimes I dream about people I miss and I get sad when I wake up because I can't have that.


I'm about holdin' on, but worse off. My burnout gets worse with each week. Being in public spaces that I've been fine in all my life is now the hardest task in the world and I dread it deeply. I was gonna talk to my psychiatrist about my worsening mental health but, well you see how that's not gonna work now.


My papa quit his job. I'm happy for him. Sure, it means money is tight but his morals wouldn't allow him to stay in a corrupt place and I respect that. Material things(mostly food) are my favorite temporary dopamine rush, it's the only thing I look forward to. I'm gonna have that less now, but I think I'll be okay. I wanna support him and I'll try my best to.


I keep gettin bad family news as the days go on. It's disheartening. But I'm also glad when I do know. I'm not the only one suffering. That's comforting in a way.


I love cooking. I've learned it helps me cope with grief. It distracts me, which isn't the best coping mechanism in the long term, but it's better than looming. I cooked a lot last week. I made rice today, it was good.


I don't think anyone reads my entries anymore but if they do I hope they enjoy my mundane little updates. Imagining someone's reading keeps me sane. I'll try and go cry my grief away. Love me. <3