start anew.
Jan. 27th, 2026 03:57 am![[personal profile]](https://www.love4eva.net/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momeA lot has happened since last time. I miss journaling! It's fun, and it helps me remember things, something about how writing things down helps you keep a mental note of it.
So I finally cut my ex off. It was very hard but I had to do it. He was really hard to let go because I was attached to the old version of him, but I needed to wake up and realize that I was excusing someone who did a bunch of messed up stuff to me based on old memories and bitter empathy.
That's been hard, so have friendships. We re-tried our sleepover and we did get to having it but it wasn't fun, to me. It got me to finally understand that I'm no longer in their circle, nor have I ever really been. My cousin isn't my best friend anymore, she has a life and doesn't need me. We still talk, but she has another best friend. Its very hurtful, but I think I'm gonna be ok. Having her as a friend is good enough, even if we aren't close at all anymore. I cut off a bunch of losers too lately! I hate that my circle is way smaller now, but hey it's a good thing not being around toxic people!
My dad's been into reselling lately. I think it's adorable how he can get so obsessed with his newest hyperfixations. He's never been a shopper, but now he goes thrifting any chance he gets. The downside to these phases is that its harder to talk to him, considering he's already busy. He seems happy doing it tho, which I'm glad.
My grandma gave my mom a stuffed animal like a month ago and it hasn't left her bed since. It's so funny and ironic to me because she's been making fun of me for liking stuffed animals for YEARS now. I think another part of it is that he is also a heating pad so she keeps him for practicality.
My sister's been really into oats and sweet potatoes. She's been making so many recipes with them lately. I don't really like either so they are not my cup of tea, but I still try them. I like that she's into something right now aside from school stressing her out.
It's been a really bad month for me. But I still plan on getting better. I've been super suicidal and flip floppy wrt my emotions and it's concerning. I'm scared of who I'm becoming and the effect that it's having on myself and others. I want to look into medication because lord its hard doing this with no help whatsoever. I wanna tell my parents about it but I feel like they will blame me or say its because I don't go outside enough. I always think that this is a front and those suicidal emotions are how I really feel about everything, but I think that's my mind tricking me. I've gotten much better at recognizing when my mind messes with me. No idea how to combat it yet though. I don't like suppressing it, because that just prolongs it, but I don't like playing it out in it's destructive entirety either. We will figure it out one day, fingers crossed.
I've been reversing so many songs lately I love how much good music I've been adding to my reverse catalog. Since yt music supports mp3s, I've been ripping so many for it! And it's saving my phone storage as well, because I used to do only mp4s because I had a video player that was pretty good. Not as good as yt music tho, I couldn't make a playlist or anything.
I think (a small part of)the reason this month has been so bad is because I'm still just now learning to not suppress my emotions. It takes a while to undo years of bottling things up. And I'm still learning! So it's rocky, but I think that just comes with being young. You are also dumb and naive, but you will live. I need to remind myself of that more. It is not the end of the world. I will live. And prosper. One day. Certainly NOT in this climate ðŸ˜ðŸ’”🥀. But I believe it will get better!
Wow, it felt great to get all of that off my chest. Thank you for reading this if you did <3
So I finally cut my ex off. It was very hard but I had to do it. He was really hard to let go because I was attached to the old version of him, but I needed to wake up and realize that I was excusing someone who did a bunch of messed up stuff to me based on old memories and bitter empathy.
That's been hard, so have friendships. We re-tried our sleepover and we did get to having it but it wasn't fun, to me. It got me to finally understand that I'm no longer in their circle, nor have I ever really been. My cousin isn't my best friend anymore, she has a life and doesn't need me. We still talk, but she has another best friend. Its very hurtful, but I think I'm gonna be ok. Having her as a friend is good enough, even if we aren't close at all anymore. I cut off a bunch of losers too lately! I hate that my circle is way smaller now, but hey it's a good thing not being around toxic people!
My dad's been into reselling lately. I think it's adorable how he can get so obsessed with his newest hyperfixations. He's never been a shopper, but now he goes thrifting any chance he gets. The downside to these phases is that its harder to talk to him, considering he's already busy. He seems happy doing it tho, which I'm glad.
My grandma gave my mom a stuffed animal like a month ago and it hasn't left her bed since. It's so funny and ironic to me because she's been making fun of me for liking stuffed animals for YEARS now. I think another part of it is that he is also a heating pad so she keeps him for practicality.
My sister's been really into oats and sweet potatoes. She's been making so many recipes with them lately. I don't really like either so they are not my cup of tea, but I still try them. I like that she's into something right now aside from school stressing her out.
It's been a really bad month for me. But I still plan on getting better. I've been super suicidal and flip floppy wrt my emotions and it's concerning. I'm scared of who I'm becoming and the effect that it's having on myself and others. I want to look into medication because lord its hard doing this with no help whatsoever. I wanna tell my parents about it but I feel like they will blame me or say its because I don't go outside enough. I always think that this is a front and those suicidal emotions are how I really feel about everything, but I think that's my mind tricking me. I've gotten much better at recognizing when my mind messes with me. No idea how to combat it yet though. I don't like suppressing it, because that just prolongs it, but I don't like playing it out in it's destructive entirety either. We will figure it out one day, fingers crossed.
I've been reversing so many songs lately I love how much good music I've been adding to my reverse catalog. Since yt music supports mp3s, I've been ripping so many for it! And it's saving my phone storage as well, because I used to do only mp4s because I had a video player that was pretty good. Not as good as yt music tho, I couldn't make a playlist or anything.
I think (a small part of)the reason this month has been so bad is because I'm still just now learning to not suppress my emotions. It takes a while to undo years of bottling things up. And I'm still learning! So it's rocky, but I think that just comes with being young. You are also dumb and naive, but you will live. I need to remind myself of that more. It is not the end of the world. I will live. And prosper. One day. Certainly NOT in this climate ðŸ˜ðŸ’”🥀. But I believe it will get better!
Wow, it felt great to get all of that off my chest. Thank you for reading this if you did <3
