I've lost so much in these last couple of months that it shouldn't be a surprise when I lose more. More people. More rights. But every little loss lingers. It sticks with me, big or small. I'm still getting over heartbreak. I'm still dealing with losing all of my closest friends. And it hurts, because I don't feel cared for. But, what does that mean. What does it mean to me to be cared about. What does it mean to you?

To me, it means to take interest in a person. To acknowledge even the smallest things they tell you because it might mean the world to them. That's how you build and maintain relationships. It took me so long to realize how easy it really is to tell who really cares and who doesn't. Because some people might enjoy my friendship, but do they care about me as a person? When we're done talking about our shared interests, can we get out of professional mode and just, talk? I have my sad moments, everyone reading this knows that. And sometimes these can consume me. Make it to where I'm not as active in other's lives. But those people who just say "I'm so sorry", or something of the sort, they're what keep me going. And I remember those moments and cherish those people. Some people will outright know about all those bad things, and ignore them. Not even acknowledge them. But when I talk about our shared interest, suddenly they have oh so much to say! It makes me feel like I'm only useful to them when I'm talking about what they like.

I was watching debsmikle's newest video and she went on a rant about one of her biggest fears. She was like "how can I love if these little moments that mean so much to me and are all my 'firsts' mean so little to the other person? like what if it sticks with me forever and I never forget those sweet moments but it means nothing to the other person and they just store it in the back of their memory, eventually forgetting it?" and I felt that so much. It happened to me and it's such a sad feeling. Like you've given your all to one person but they don't care. The same can be said for friendships in a way. When you have a falling out and they only focus on the trivial things.

I'm so grateful for having those who do care about me. Because even if I get good advice that I don't wanna hear at the time, I know it's coming from people who have my best interest at heart. My mom isn't perfect, but I know for a fact that she cares about me more than anyone. My entire family does. My cousin does too. This one girl who I've known for a long time but we aren't super close treats me like any of her other close friends. All the women in my life who are like the big sisters I've never had, like the friend who made this site, are always there no matter what. I hope everyone has at least one person like that. Someone who truly cares.

I don't know what I was trying to accomplish with this rant, just wanted to put my thoughts into words. I hope you enjoyed reading it I suppose <3