mome <3

I hate how hard it is for me to connect with anyone. I feel as i've gotten too isolated to remember how to do anything. All my crucial years of development, spent in solitude. I'd like to assume most people have atleast one person there for them whenever they're feeling down. A best friend. But I had to fill that with other things. Hobbies, reassuring myself it'll be ok, anything. I'm sure most people have had to deal with similar, but they still had one thing I don't. I can't associate with those who don't think people like me don't deserve to live. I have to conform to my religion, because everyone else does. The family i'm allowed to talk to, my peers, and everyone else. If not, I lose them all. They'll all cut me off. And they see that as normal. It's impossible to ignore. It's in the back of my head at all times. I always have music in my ears or daydream just so I don't have to think about my reality for more than a second. I can't stand to face the real me. The lost potential that's been killed over 17 years for my parent's selfish dreams. I envy those with accepting parents. The ones who don't believe you deserve to die if you aren't like them. I'd do anything to feel real unconditional love. I'd do anything to stop separating parts of me into what feels like different people. But that's my reality for now.

I'm almost eighteen. Realistically I can't be out of this house in a year because my financial status is null. But I can keep trying. I've been trying for 2 years to get a job with my mom constantly putting me down and shaming me for not having one sooner. Same with driving. But I will keep trying. I need to. For me. Then I be my full self. No one else is gonna help me and that's just the sad truth. I wasn't born into crazy wealth. I got no rich relatives, I can't just ask for money. I might get help, especially during graduation season, but I have to rely on myself as well(although it's a start). I keep making goals that I never reach, because I know that deep down I don't actually want to do it. But I do want to try and get a job this year. All of the places I've applied to never hired me, and I know it's gonna take hundreds of places to even get to the second part of the hiring process, but i'll do it anyway. This country's messed up and I've been known that, so what's another inconvenient thing.

All I know is that most of my sentient years I've been suffering. I'm much closer to actually being able to leave here than waiting. I know I can do it. Despite always being reminded of how i'll never live up to their standards, I'm still good at way more things than I think I am. I've been through 17 years of constant active religious trauma and guilt, more than most people have. I'm already stronger than I think.

I'm smart when I actually try.
I'm kinder than I make myself out to be.
I'm learning how to be the pretty I want to be.
I'm not gonna take any disrespect from those I don't have to.
And I'm gonna get the hell out of here and never come back.
I know I can do it.