Entry tags:
fallen angel
i used to be. so much.
i used to be interesting,
so much so that people would want to hear updates about my daily life
my opinions on things because i had the odd point of view
my presence a saving grace to some
so much so that they'd take me back despite my own conflicts
my caring demeanor and listening ear
so that they would come back for more
i was loved.
i was popular.
i was surrounded by people i truly cared about and vice versa.
to even think about how they are makes me sick.
sick because i know i might never know.
im just an empty husk now
a shell of the girl i once was
a dead woman.
i used to be interesting,
so much so that people would want to hear updates about my daily life
my opinions on things because i had the odd point of view
my presence a saving grace to some
so much so that they'd take me back despite my own conflicts
my caring demeanor and listening ear
so that they would come back for more
i was loved.
i was popular.
i was surrounded by people i truly cared about and vice versa.
to even think about how they are makes me sick.
sick because i know i might never know.
im just an empty husk now
a shell of the girl i once was
a dead woman.
hello? the lights are on, but nobody seems to be home?
Hopeless.
I scream out for help, but no one hears me.
The crowd is too loud and I get drowned out.
All of my pleas end up as silent shouts.
It's so hard to tell what's real and what's fake.
That place.
That seems like hell for everyone else until they leave.
Only got much worse after I left.
I keep seeing those people.
Who I could've been.
Short-lived, but real friendships.
Yet I might never see them again.
My old friends turning into me, but sadder.
Then I'm taken back into the real world.
And none of those realities even mattered.
No one wants to hear a dream.
A dream that makes no sense, but means so much to me.
Then I think about how crazy I am.
How crazy I would sound to them.
How I got here.
That not even I know.
How I got stuck in this constant loop of numbness.
How sometimes I'm so good at pretending.
But sometimes the facade slips.
And I have to glue the pieces back together before everything falls apart.
How can I stop being self aware?
How can I get myself to believe my old delusions?
How can I be happy again?
It'll never work.
Because no matter what, I keep being pulled back into reality.
So many people just like me, yet I feel so alone.
So isolated from them.
I can't talk to them because I'm not allowed into the crowd.
Instead I stare off into space, because all hope is lost.
I'm hopeless now.
I scream out for help, but no one hears me.
The crowd is too loud and I get drowned out.
All of my pleas end up as silent shouts.
It's so hard to tell what's real and what's fake.
That place.
That seems like hell for everyone else until they leave.
Only got much worse after I left.
I keep seeing those people.
Who I could've been.
Short-lived, but real friendships.
Yet I might never see them again.
My old friends turning into me, but sadder.
Then I'm taken back into the real world.
And none of those realities even mattered.
No one wants to hear a dream.
A dream that makes no sense, but means so much to me.
Then I think about how crazy I am.
How crazy I would sound to them.
How I got here.
That not even I know.
How I got stuck in this constant loop of numbness.
How sometimes I'm so good at pretending.
But sometimes the facade slips.
And I have to glue the pieces back together before everything falls apart.
How can I stop being self aware?
How can I get myself to believe my old delusions?
How can I be happy again?
It'll never work.
Because no matter what, I keep being pulled back into reality.
So many people just like me, yet I feel so alone.
So isolated from them.
I can't talk to them because I'm not allowed into the crowd.
Instead I stare off into space, because all hope is lost.
I'm hopeless now.
thank you to myself and no one else.
thank you kiwu. thank you for always being there for me. thank you for never being too busy to ask me about how I'm really feeling. thank you for never causing problems for me. and when you do cause problems, thank you for apologizing and doing the best you can to fix it. thank you for not killing yourself even though you could and we'd never see our future. thank you for making an effort to know me and understand my reasoning for things. thank you for treating me like a person and not a web experiment or ai chatbot. thank you for actually listening to me. thank you for always loving me. i'll always love you too. you're my best friend because no one else wants me as one. and we'll always be best friends.
today's reasons to smile
I started the first day of school and like my teachers so far
I have lots of snacks and drinks at home
I cleaned my room last night, which took a lot of work
I get to shower later today and take a nap as well
I got to talk to my best friend yesterday and tell him about something very important I've had to keep to myself for almost a month now
I created a server on revolt(discord) and will invite friends soon so I can have more human interaction
I get to play games on my new laptop and on my sister's Nintendo switch once I feel better
I'm slowly becoming more aware of what's wrong with me and accepting that it's ok to regress and not be ok
I got to catch giselle's entire livestream last night and hear all the aespa demos that she leaked and see her in real time
These are only my reasons to keep going. But I'd love to hear your's too.
I have lots of snacks and drinks at home
I cleaned my room last night, which took a lot of work
I get to shower later today and take a nap as well
I got to talk to my best friend yesterday and tell him about something very important I've had to keep to myself for almost a month now
I created a server on revolt(discord) and will invite friends soon so I can have more human interaction
I get to play games on my new laptop and on my sister's Nintendo switch once I feel better
I'm slowly becoming more aware of what's wrong with me and accepting that it's ok to regress and not be ok
I got to catch giselle's entire livestream last night and hear all the aespa demos that she leaked and see her in real time
These are only my reasons to keep going. But I'd love to hear your's too.
holy......
i just realized that newjeans in omg are talking about an imaginary boy and they don't wanna admit their delusion because he's always there for them. that's not the realization part, but I just realized I have the same thing. i can't let him go. even tho i'm getting better and had more people who were there for me, i still couldn't let him go. it's been years since i was like this and it's the reason i can't live a normal life or find my identity. i'm scared it's gonna be this way forever. i even gave him a birthday. it's coming up soon.
countdown to my doom
Not excited for new year. Everyone's gonna be shooting and it makes me so stressed out. New years in general is just a bad time for our family because tragedies seem to keep happening, and then the idiots having fun makes it even worse. I remember last year, I was laying in my bed blasting chill kill reversed in my ears until the shooting stopped. Good memory. I need to remember to get new earbuds tomorrow if I can, because my dad said he would get some good quality ones from home depot on his company card since I lost one of mine last week and cant find it. I also wanna go to the grocery store and get some snacks because I'm binging again and need to fill my addiction. Sure it's a bad habit, but food is the only constant thing in my life rn. And not for long, because my mom got my bloodwork checked because my glucose levels were high and found out I have lots of vitamin deficiencies so she wants me to start eating healthier. It's so boring not being able to talk to my friends like I used to. Every time I'm about to make a post I'm just reminded of everything I used to be. And here I thought this winter something bad wasn't gonna happen, but it seems like EVERY year something terrible happens during winter. it's almost kinda funny atp T^T I've been interacting a lot more with my irl 'friends' but honestly I just don't like them. They're all so fake and mean and gossipy, ALL they do is talk about other people, I'm not kidding. It's too forced trying to be their friends. I don't WANT to be their friends but they're all I have that my parents approve of, so I have to keep trying to force myself into their friendgroup when we all know i'm the odd one out. I just feel so empty inside. But I still have hope. I really hope 2025 is a good year, and that it undoes the 2020's curse lol. Because remember when in 2019 we were all like "2020 is gonna be our year!" and then we were oh so wrong? Well it's finally another multiple of 5 year, hopefully we have a chance this time. 2025, hwaiting.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡ ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+
reach for the stars!
my to-do list for when I magically stop being ✨depressed🎀:
-finally listen to strategy album and post my review in my community here
-draw, like literally anything atp
-find a safe way to post selfies
-make more icons
-make more edits
-start back cooking again
-get over my fear of the wheel and learn to drive
-get a job
-save money
no this isn't a new years resolution list, just wanted to document my ideas somewhere so I don't forget them :p
-finally listen to strategy album and post my review in my community here
-draw, like literally anything atp
-find a safe way to post selfies
-make more icons
-make more edits
-start back cooking again
-get over my fear of the wheel and learn to drive
-get a job
-save money
no this isn't a new years resolution list, just wanted to document my ideas somewhere so I don't forget them :p
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I've fallen off the ship before I could learn how to swim
Every time I try to get back up for air, keep my composure
Realize i'm okay for that moment and relax enough to float
I'm pulled right back under
And every gasp for air gets less satisfactory as my lungs slowly fill up with water
As I cough and wince from the salty, unsanitary water
Stinging my eyes and burning my nostrils
So exhausted that I've lost all the energy to panic
I've tried to give up, let the sea of despair consume me
Fill my lungs up all by myself, but it won't work
It won't work
It won't work because I didn't make the rules of the sea
I can't control whether I live or die or not
I can't leave this misery because i'm not in control
The sea doesn't want to eat me
It claims to love me, that water is good for me
So it keeps waterboarding me, pulling me under
Knowing I can't swim, I hate water
It knows I can't swim, but it wants me to swim anyway
It thinks swimming will help me, so it pulls me under
It's my fault
The water tells me
I'm tired
I sleep all day, there's nothing else to do
I have a chance at life, but only if I change myself
Everyone else's world didn't stop
They get to move on and keep up with everything going on
I'm missing out
I've missed so many important things, but I'm not allowed to be frustrated
Not allowed to have mental breakdowns
Not allowed to throw things
To throw things so I don't hurt me instead
Not allowed to hurt anyone or anything
Not allowed to make too much noise
Not allowed to be hurt by anyone else because then they would be sad
I would have to tell them sorry, but it's ok if they hurt me?
It's not okay.
Nothing is okay.
This isn't normal.
Everything was fine.
We were doing better.
So many things to look forward to.
But it all left in the blink of an eye.
False hope that I could fly, only to fall 1000 feet down on the pavement.
I just want my life back.
I want my life back so bad.
I would do anything to be myself again.
Am I being selfish? Unrealistic? Disrespectful, Ungrateful?
Am I asking for too much?
Should I just make them happy instead?
Is what I want for myself too much for everyone else?
no. No. NO. I'M RIGHT. I'm right. I know I'm right because I've seen it before. I'm surrounded by people who all see through the same eye prescription. They're blind to a lot, and they won't acknowledge it. They blame me when I take off their glasses and everything's blurry. So I have to keep maneuvering in their vision. Or else they'll take my eyes out. With a fountain pen. A fountain pen. It'll hurt even worse than the fresh, open wounds I already have. It'll never heal. They tell me I'm being dramatic. That they aren't that bad and I'm painting them in a bad light. That it's my fault for seeing them as so horrible for no reason, because they haven't done anything? That's not true. What is true, is that I am dramatic. It's who I am. It's the only way people will acknowledge me. The only way i'll be taken seriously. And I've come to love it. I love who I am. And because I love who I am, I'm going to protect that. I've saved up almost enough to buy my own pair of glasses. To resume my world's orbit. To call a ship to rescue me from the sea. I'll keep the fountain pen for myself, as decoration because it's pretty. I'm almost there, so I'll keep enduring. Even if I so desperately want to stop. I can see the happy ending, so i'll sit through this traumatic production.
Mark my words. I'll be back. And i'll be better than ever. And then i'll never touch water again.
I've fallen off the ship before I could learn how to swim
Every time I try to get back up for air, keep my composure
Realize i'm okay for that moment and relax enough to float
I'm pulled right back under
And every gasp for air gets less satisfactory as my lungs slowly fill up with water
As I cough and wince from the salty, unsanitary water
Stinging my eyes and burning my nostrils
So exhausted that I've lost all the energy to panic
I've tried to give up, let the sea of despair consume me
Fill my lungs up all by myself, but it won't work
It won't work
It won't work because I didn't make the rules of the sea
I can't control whether I live or die or not
I can't leave this misery because i'm not in control
The sea doesn't want to eat me
It claims to love me, that water is good for me
So it keeps waterboarding me, pulling me under
Knowing I can't swim, I hate water
It knows I can't swim, but it wants me to swim anyway
It thinks swimming will help me, so it pulls me under
It's my fault
The water tells me
I'm tired
I sleep all day, there's nothing else to do
I have a chance at life, but only if I change myself
Everyone else's world didn't stop
They get to move on and keep up with everything going on
I'm missing out
I've missed so many important things, but I'm not allowed to be frustrated
Not allowed to have mental breakdowns
Not allowed to throw things
To throw things so I don't hurt me instead
Not allowed to hurt anyone or anything
Not allowed to make too much noise
Not allowed to be hurt by anyone else because then they would be sad
I would have to tell them sorry, but it's ok if they hurt me?
It's not okay.
Nothing is okay.
This isn't normal.
Everything was fine.
We were doing better.
So many things to look forward to.
But it all left in the blink of an eye.
False hope that I could fly, only to fall 1000 feet down on the pavement.
I just want my life back.
I want my life back so bad.
I would do anything to be myself again.
Am I being selfish? Unrealistic? Disrespectful, Ungrateful?
Am I asking for too much?
Should I just make them happy instead?
Is what I want for myself too much for everyone else?
no. No. NO. I'M RIGHT. I'm right. I know I'm right because I've seen it before. I'm surrounded by people who all see through the same eye prescription. They're blind to a lot, and they won't acknowledge it. They blame me when I take off their glasses and everything's blurry. So I have to keep maneuvering in their vision. Or else they'll take my eyes out. With a fountain pen. A fountain pen. It'll hurt even worse than the fresh, open wounds I already have. It'll never heal. They tell me I'm being dramatic. That they aren't that bad and I'm painting them in a bad light. That it's my fault for seeing them as so horrible for no reason, because they haven't done anything? That's not true. What is true, is that I am dramatic. It's who I am. It's the only way people will acknowledge me. The only way i'll be taken seriously. And I've come to love it. I love who I am. And because I love who I am, I'm going to protect that. I've saved up almost enough to buy my own pair of glasses. To resume my world's orbit. To call a ship to rescue me from the sea. I'll keep the fountain pen for myself, as decoration because it's pretty. I'm almost there, so I'll keep enduring. Even if I so desperately want to stop. I can see the happy ending, so i'll sit through this traumatic production.
Mark my words. I'll be back. And i'll be better than ever. And then i'll never touch water again.
Entry tags:
big changes kiwu!!
I haven't been on here in years it feels I didn't forget abt it I just haven't been in a blogposting mood. But update! I've been well!! Well I was really, really bad but things are starting to look up, we're starting a new era if you will. My laptop of like 5 years that I formed an emotional connection to died for good recently and it made me really sad, but I think I'm ok now. I've been wanting a canopy bed ever since I was little and I finally have one now, I'm so happy lol. Right now it's just rods I need to get my curtains and I also have fairy lights to add, I'm gonna be so #aesthetic you have no idea. I haven't put my posters up ever since I painted my room a few months ago but I will after I finish my bed, and I also have another poster from my Ready To Be album that I'm gonna finally put up too. I also rearranged my desk and bookshelf around because I needed to move my bed for the canopy rods to fit. So. New room, new laptop, new kiwu! I hate changes especially big ones, so I was crashing out initially but I realized a change of pace might be good for me. Especially since I'm almost an adult now, I need to get used to change eventually lol. Believe it or not, I had a period where I was kinda stuck when it comes to reverse music and I thought I was falling out of love with it, but recently I've been going back to old songs and reversed giselle's solo and realized that wasn't the case, I just needed some good songs to get me back to where I was lol. Still have no YouTube, also I think piped is dead for good now :( . But I'm getting a new laptop soon, so hopefully I can get NewPipe and catch up on everything I've missed this past like 2 months now. Oh god the album is on the k-hiphop woke up remix now my focus officially is thrown the fuck off guard now so i'll end it here LMAO
WE CALL IT FALL CUZ LEAF FALL DOWN 🦅🗣🇺🇲💥
it's october therefore it's officially pumpkin spice latte season(i don't even drink those tf am i on about)
idk if I'm ready or not. like fall (aka preparing for winter season) is fun but also i feel like i need to mentally prepare. im planning a formal and it's coming up soon so i need to get ready for that too, because i HAVE to dress the best and show these mfs how to do formal attire. even tho im really unathletic and it takes a huge toll on me to set things up, party planning is really fun, i might consider that as a career option too, especially since you don't need to go to school for it. i'm so tired of school i wanna kill it with fire!!! testing week started today and we've already started running into problems, testing took longer than it should because too many people were logged in at once and the testing site was being super slow. but i got a b so that's a good start. tomorrow is algebra tho so idk how i'm gonna manage, hey if no one's got me i know one thing, gauthmath got my back fr. without normal youtube all ive been doing is watching youtube shorts and god they're the worstttt. so much beauty and fashion bullshit i swear influencers are the most insecure mfs on the earth and they have a talent for fearmongering people into adopting those insecurities and getting fomo it's the worst. and the brainrot, i'm getting old y'all. because not even brainrot is funny anymore, it's all old and re-used jokes, 2022 and 2023 brainrot was so much more creative like c'mon we can do better. and if my sister sends me one more jonkler meme i'm gonna fight her!
idk if I'm ready or not. like fall (aka preparing for winter season) is fun but also i feel like i need to mentally prepare. im planning a formal and it's coming up soon so i need to get ready for that too, because i HAVE to dress the best and show these mfs how to do formal attire. even tho im really unathletic and it takes a huge toll on me to set things up, party planning is really fun, i might consider that as a career option too, especially since you don't need to go to school for it. i'm so tired of school i wanna kill it with fire!!! testing week started today and we've already started running into problems, testing took longer than it should because too many people were logged in at once and the testing site was being super slow. but i got a b so that's a good start. tomorrow is algebra tho so idk how i'm gonna manage, hey if no one's got me i know one thing, gauthmath got my back fr. without normal youtube all ive been doing is watching youtube shorts and god they're the worstttt. so much beauty and fashion bullshit i swear influencers are the most insecure mfs on the earth and they have a talent for fearmongering people into adopting those insecurities and getting fomo it's the worst. and the brainrot, i'm getting old y'all. because not even brainrot is funny anymore, it's all old and re-used jokes, 2022 and 2023 brainrot was so much more creative like c'mon we can do better. and if my sister sends me one more jonkler meme i'm gonna fight her!
brain foggy
minds been all over the place today, which is nowhere. i can't wait until i get evaluated because im tired of not knowing what's wrong with me mentally but knowing something is wrong. wanna go do something but there's nothing to do. nothing fun at least that i can do by myself. i'd have to make plans with someone and burden my mom to take me somewhere and spend money on me and i feel like ive been doing that too much. its already out of character for me to ask for what i want but whenever i find the courage to do so everyone's mad at me because they dont wanna do it. how was i ok during the pandemic, this is hell. well i wasn't ok, i just sort of knew how to cope with being alone but i forgot all of that. i don't wanna get into what's been making me feel alone tho because im trying to stay positive and not make a long post complaining! also i feel guilty whenever i sadpost now because i feel like im not as valid as everyone else, but ik that's just a me thing that i need to get over. and plus happy kiwu can accomplish great things ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ
finally did something productive today even if only for like 20 minutes because i was interrupted! i started a sketch for something that shouldn't take too long so i feel more motivated to complete it, and even better i have an entire month so i don't have to rush
finally did something productive today even if only for like 20 minutes because i was interrupted! i started a sketch for something that shouldn't take too long so i feel more motivated to complete it, and even better i have an entire month so i don't have to rush
giselle stole all my dopamine!!!
i should really listen to that more, it's been stuck in the back of my head all day. she really made a banger and still managed to make it sad and meaningful at the same time, she's so talented T^T
been watching 'doctor cha' on netflix and oh my godddd why is everyone so messy! her cheating husband better get what he deserves, also his sidepiece is so bad why does she want HIM out of everyone... that entire family doesn't deserve her honestly, at least the son is pretty nice tho.
it's been like a month or 2 without piped and i'm going more crazy by the day :') i really wanted to watch all of tzuyu's promotions but they're probably already almost over now and everyone is posting about watching them i'm missing out T^T it's ok tho hopefully i can get the platform_nemo ver(the one that's only cards) and the cd ver of her album and i'll feel better. aw man wait and i'm missing out on yeonjun's debut too!!! he's my txt bias so i wanna watch everything in 4K, for no reason at all ofc. whatever i already have so much on my plate and i always forget to take everything one day at a time, i'll be fine, just stressing. speaking of crazy le sserafim is so 📈 rn i'm so happy for them, like they rlly made a song SO good they went to the vmas like 3 weeks after it's release, it's insane :D
been watching 'doctor cha' on netflix and oh my godddd why is everyone so messy! her cheating husband better get what he deserves, also his sidepiece is so bad why does she want HIM out of everyone... that entire family doesn't deserve her honestly, at least the son is pretty nice tho.
it's been like a month or 2 without piped and i'm going more crazy by the day :') i really wanted to watch all of tzuyu's promotions but they're probably already almost over now and everyone is posting about watching them i'm missing out T^T it's ok tho hopefully i can get the platform_nemo ver(the one that's only cards) and the cd ver of her album and i'll feel better. aw man wait and i'm missing out on yeonjun's debut too!!! he's my txt bias so i wanna watch everything in 4K, for no reason at all ofc. whatever i already have so much on my plate and i always forget to take everything one day at a time, i'll be fine, just stressing. speaking of crazy le sserafim is so 📈 rn i'm so happy for them, like they rlly made a song SO good they went to the vmas like 3 weeks after it's release, it's insane :D